I remembered back to a time before I started walking with the Lord, the days when I thought I could find my peace and approval from God by attaining some sort of perfection at my own hands. Little did I know then that the Lord was calling me, longing to have a relationship with me, even in the midst of my selfish and thought-filled life.
During this time, it was not unusual for me to take off on my bicycle and be gone 4 to 6 hours. I would take my journal, a sketch pad and find a quiet place to sit out in the vast nature of Northern California. I thought that by being in the creation I would be closer to God. I understood this time as a creative outlet, but it also served a sort of spiritual purpose at the same time.
Looking back, I find it interesting how intellectually minded I was before I started walking with the Lord. "Who Am I,” though written years after the experience, is a reflection of the day it dawned on me that there was nothing in me that deserved God's favor. There was nothing I could say or do to prompt God's love and grace and mercy. It was only when I looked to Him that I was able to grasp the depth of His love. Sure, when I was in nature I could partake of His creation and see how awesome God is, but His creation is only an expression of Himself, which explains why I always had to go out into nature to feel like God was near. In hindsight, I witness my longing in action. I was searching for God, everywhere but at the Source. It wasn't until I came to the end of myself, my longing and striving to "find God,” that I found the Truth.
He gave EVERYTHING to save me. I didn't have to find Him, He found me before I knew I was lost. He knew every part of me, my comings and my goings, and even my name, yet chose to take the penalty. I did nothing that was deserving of His salvation, but He gave freely.
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WHO AM I
Who am I
That You would pay a minute to my attention
Who am I
That You would give up everything
For me
Who am I
That You would look beyond all my weakness
When the weight of the world
Is my illusion of solace
And the pain steals my joy
When I, when I look up
When I look in Your face
I'm amazed by Your grace
Who am I,
That You would call me by my name
Who am I
That You would love even me
Who am I
That You would draw beauty from the ashes
When the power of my sin
Nailed Your hands and Your feet,
You died just for me
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I am found
Was blind, but now I see
©2002 Tonya Betz
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